By G L Jones
Amos tells us that the prudent will keep silence in the evil time.
There is a time to keep silence and a time to speak.
And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness,but rather reprove them.
For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret.
(vs 3): fornication, uncleanness, covetousness
If you are being ABUSED in any way (physically, emotionally and verbally) then one should not remain quiet but speak up to safe people.
We need to expose secret sins to the light.
Boundaries – personal space
– If a relationship is painful for you then what should you do?
-No one relationship is the same
-No one set of rules fit all cases,circumstances, nuainces,history
-healthy detachment may be necessary
-the opposite of healthy detachment is narcissism which is unhealthy detachment
*We resolve issues by setting boundaries and not running away.
-Anger brings to the surface the issues that are hurting you.
– The offender:
*often in denial
*will not take responsibility for their own
actions or behavior.
* you feel that you are going crazy and
are told that by the offending spouse.
– Usually at the end of a conversation one is not confused.If you are then you are probably being manipulated the majority of the time.
One Spouse usually is:
*Responsibility Velcro or
– If so the abused spouse needs to set up boundaries which will cause Pain or CONFLICT!
-You may want to run!
-But it will only get worse until you get a RESOLUTION!
-A Foundational Truth:God is a god of Relational Harmony (the Trinity)
*In our world when one has profound or absolute power there usually is no relational harmony.
*Every time you set a boundary you take a risk.
1.The Relationship Improves
– or. –
2.The Relationship Ends
*Some are not able to move towards relational harmony or health.So they bend or run.
Call about an Abusive Son from a mother:
Questions from Patrick :
Does he have any men in his life?
Is he a Christian?
What about his relationship with his father?
-When do you know when you need to set boundaries?
* If you are in a Painful relationship then you need BOUNDARIES!
*You are the only one that can determine if you need boundaries if you are being abused.
Letter writing method suggested if you are the VICTIM! This is especially true if your spouse is volatile and won’t let you get a word in a verbal discussion or if the Abuser is verbally Abusive and Calls you CRAZY or other names!
– Only you can determine if a relationship is PAINFUL!
-This is the ULTIMATE MANIPULATION!
(See book: You can’t Heal what you can’t Feel)
If you are PAIN but you are:
…Then how are you going to HEAL?
Read CL Lewis – The Greatest Sin
Here is the other thing: a very unfortunate reality in the world in which we live:
PAIN is the Precursor to RESOLUTION!
*I see people living in emotional PAIN which is actually worse than physical PAIN! !
* Some people are just emotionally UNHEALTHY (Toxic)!
* You are the one that determines if you need a BOUNDARY! Not the person that is hurting You.
*We need to TRUST God for the OUTCOME! We are sometimes afraid that the relationship will end if we CONFRONT!
Honor thy father and thy mother….
Some people believe that I am required to have an intimate relationship with my parents. …
No it means not neglecting or abandoning them in their old age.Making sure that they are comfortable. I cannot sacrifice myself on the spear of an unhealthy parent.
Make sure your parents as they get older that they have dignity.Seek to honor them as people.
This doesn’t mean that I have to have an intimate relationship of any sort if they are toxic or unhealthy people.
*THE MOST LOVING THING THAT WE CAN DO IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT WE ARE BEING HARMED IN IS: TO STOP THE PERSON THAT IS HARMING US!
* The church has told victims for years that they should tolerate abuse!
Jesus did this with the Pharisees: He called them Vipers!
*God doesn’t want us to be a doormat or in isolation. No false Humility !
*You cannot achieve this without dealing with the issues or confrontation and setting BOUNDARIES.
You must tell a person this is where you start or end and this where I start or end.
(Always know your place.)
-You cannot talk to me that way..
-This is what I want
-I will not tolerate this
-If you continue this behavior I will not have a relationship with you.
-I will not talk to you until you behavior changes.
A grandmother’s saying :
If you wrestle with a pig you both will get muddy but the pig will like it.
If you need to sit down and WRITE a letter :
Get a healing catharsis.
1.Once you get CLARITY.
2.Communicate your problems or issues.
Never do this in the heat of the moment.
*Know when a person is ISOLATING you!
-Don’t accept general apologies from ABUSERS.They are never contrite and never take responsibility for their actions.
The ABUSERS favorite line is:
“Maybe you shouldn’t be so SENSITIVE! ”
* l like to put BOUNDARIES in writing because rarely does the ABUSER not spin.
But if you have a document in writing it can be referred back to.Know that people who want to SPIN don’t want things to be specific, be acountible, or be responsible.
(I’m a PRIVATE PERSON is code for I want to SPIN or I have something to hide in a marriage. )
* When you write a letter you identify things that you didn’t know.
The Letter :
– 3-4 drafts
– let it all out (feeling)
-this releases the tension and gives outline for later dicussion.
* You gave to get to a place of CLARITY and PEACE in order to communicate the issues effectively.
When put things on paper I can see that:
-This person does not RESPECT me!
-This person does not TRUST me!
-This person is EMOTIONALLY and/or VERBALLY ABUSIVE!
– This Person is TOXIC, not TRUSTWORTHY and therefore not SAFE!
*Sometimes you need to pull away from a relationship so that you can heal and get some clarity when you are in the midst of fiery storm where you can’t see clearly.
* Your parents can be your CRYPTONITE!
You can be a very strong person but when you show up at your parents they can MANIFEST powers that you didn’t know about.
Get distance and be clear.
*Involve another set of eyes if you have a CONFRONTATION with someone that sees your situation – it can be very helpful.
* If you want healing in a relationship the OFFENDER or ABUSER must take RESPONSIBILITY for their actions!
Get with someone that is a SAFE person! A SAFE person is a person that has demonstrated over a long period of time a pattern of good behavior!
*Know the power of Boundaries! They will keep you from HURT & PAIN!
*Never set a BOUNDARY that you won’t HOLD!
*Always set Boundaries that you can keep!
Mother was very toxic person.
Daughter called Patrick to see what she should do about the relationship.
*Don’t resume the relationship until the person has demonstrated longterm sustained behavioral CHANGE!
Your mother is really SICK!
– She is not CAPABLE
– She doesn’t have the CAPACITY
– You must UNDERSTAND your
– She is not a SAFE person you!
Face the GRIEF : You mom may NEVER be what you want her to be!
How to DEAL:
In the Family of God – know that
God will give you a new mom.
*Don’t expend too much energy on a lost CAUSE!
Read book- Safe People by (Cloud & Townsend)
How do we find safe people?
– Never give up on you search.
-Let Safe people inch their way in as they gain your TRUST!
*Send the letter to the person that is causing the PAIN in your life!
Don’t give in or tolerate this ABUSE!
(A righteous man falling down 7 times…)
Know the effect of HEALING and the results of DESTRUCTION on our lives!
Be not DECEIVED :Evil company corrupts good MORALS.
See II Thess.3:1-15
Believers are not to associate with those who walk disorderly.
Believers do not keep company with these:
2. The Covetous
3. An Idolaters
4. A Railer ( see I Peter 3:5-12)
5. A Drunkard
6. An Extortioner
Proverbs 16:17 – A UNGODLY Person diggeth up EVIL!
He that walketh with wise men shall be wise, but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.
*Birds of a feather flock together.
*Our choices of friends and associates tell who we are.
2015 Christian Heritage Press and G.L. Jones Publishing.All rights reserved.